NOT SO SHORT, BUT STILL SWEET #4
Where In The World Is Tom Cruise?, The Official Name For:$%^&*@#, Deltiology/Postcard Panache, Strawberries Keep You With-It
"We are always the same age inside." - Gertrude Stein
Hiya Friends!
Here’s a not-so-short, but still sweet round-up of content I’ve enjoyed of late. Hope you dig it too!
WHERE IN THE WORLD IS TOM CRUISE?
If you’re in need of some laughs and a lighthearted read (and who isn’t these days?), I highly recommend this NYT article—“My Impossible Mission To Find Tom Cruise.” In this piece, the writer Caity Weaver embarks on an odyssey to track down the elusive 61-year-old megastar, Tom Cruise, who hasn’t spoken to a reporter since 2012. Spoiler Alert: Hijinks ensue. (The link above is a gift link and should work for non-subscribers.)
An excerpt:
Having lately made an effort to scrutinize any article that cast Tom Cruise as its subject, one of the few things that I can say for certain he has done since 2021, besides film two “Mission: Impossible” movies, is order chicken tikka masala from a restaurant in Birmingham, England, and then “as soon as he had finished” (per a tweet from the restaurant) order the exact same chicken tikka masala “all over again.”
For the record, I don’t care about Tom Cruise. And you don’t have to care about him either to enjoy this story. I can’t even remember the last time I saw one of his movies. I did meet him once, though, and it sort of helped me understand his enduring popularity despite his devotion to the insidious Church of Scientology and occasional erratic shenanigans.
Back in my movie marketing days at 20th Century Fox, Tom Cruise requested a meeting with our team to discuss his upcoming movie, Valkyrie. (UPDATE! The meeting may have actually been for Knight And Day. I left Fox in 2008 and Valkyrie rang a bell, but another friend reminded me that Valkyrie was put out by a different studio. Looks like I really need some strawberry powder.) Typically, in a confab like this one, the talent, or their reps, want to know how we’re planning to market their movie so it earns zillions of dollars at the box office. No pressure. But this was early days. I’m not sure if any of us had seen the movie yet, and we didn’t know why Tom Cruise wanted to meet.
Right before the appointed start time, I sat in the conference room with about ten of my colleagues, slightly panicked that Tom Cruise expected to hear some clever and viral marketing ideas for a movie about a ragtag group of German officers plotting to kill Hitler.
Minutes later, in walked Tom Cruise, flashing his Colgate grin and looking remarkably younger than his 46-years. Rather than settle into the empty seat next to the President of Marketing, Cruise proceeded to walk around the table and introduce himself to every single person in the room. This was pretty unusual for a big star and we were all appropriately shooketh.
Eventually, Tom Cruise made his way to me and gave my hand a vigorous shake. The whole time he stared deep into my eyes with his hypnotic gaze as if intent on brainwashing me and inducting me into his cult, and said, “Hi. Tom Cruise. Nice to meet you.”
Post-intros, he told us that we were one of the best marketing teams in the biz and he was all-in to make the movie a success. This meeting, as it turned out, was our locker-room pep talk from Coach Cruise, designed to get everyone pumped up to work on his film. I believe this is one of Tom Cruise’s superpowers. He knows how to ingratiate himself to people—just ask Brooke Shields, who used to be one of the recipients of a $126 coconut bundt cake that Tom Cruise sends out every holiday season. "I had a good 10-year run, and I got the coconut cake every year, which I was very happy [about]," Shields told People Magazine earlier this year.
At some point, the cake stopped coming, much to Shields’ dismay. My guess is, Shields got dropped from the list because she spoke publicly about her postpartum depression and the treatment that helped pull her out of it. Scientologists are not only vehemently anti-psychiatry, which includes talk therapy and medication, they also believe psychiatrists are responsible for 9/11. 🧐 Still, Shields misses the cake.
See photo at top of post for a visual on this cake. It does look quite scrumptious, but $126 scrumptious?? Read the full story here.
THE GRAWLIX
Did you know there’s an official name for the bleep symbols that appear in cartoons, aka, @#$%^&*, or what I like to call Snoopy Swear Words? I had no idea until I read the latest issue of the The Standards Department—an amusing Substack dedicated to grammar and punctuation. According to fellow Stacker, Lela Moore:
A grawlix is “a series of typographical symbols used in text as a replacement for profanity.” The term grawlix was, in fact, coined by a cartoonist. Mort Walker, who wrote Beetle Bailey, introduced the term in a 1964 article for The National Cartoonist Society, per this Slate piece.
Click the box below to read the whole post.
HOW TO WRITE A POSTCARD WITH PANACHE
It’s no secret that I love snail mail. I love it so much, I send out a custom, handwritten postcard to about 150 people every holiday season. (I wish I could afford to send everyone a $126 cake, but I’m no Tom Cruise.) Writing that many postcards is painstaking work and I often reach a point—about fifty cards in—where my hand cramps up and I think, WHY, HILARY, WHY? THIS IS MADNESS! Especially because most people in the modern world have opted to use a service to send out their holiday cards with a printed message enclosed. But I’m old school, as evidenced by this Substack, and I can’t bring myself to let a machine rob my cards of a personal touch.
So imagine my utter delight to discover Anne Welsbacher’s sensational Substack, Well Worded—Advice for the writing we do in our everyday life, plus a little more. This Stack, which offers tips and tricks for writing letters, invitations, obituaries, recipes and more, has quickly become one of my favorites.
A recent issue, dedicated to postcards, inspired me to immediately send out four postcards using Anne’s jazzy tips. It also introduced me to a new word: Deltiology—“an entire discipline focused on collecting and studying postcards.” Who knew?
Here’s an excerpt:
The All Stars baseball game is upon us, meaning we are halfway through the summer. How are your travels going, gentle readers? Have you been letting those of us at home know what a wonderful time you are having and that you wish we were there?
I hope not, because I would much rather learn one specific, possibly silly thing about how you are spending your time: “Rainbow-colored lizards greeted me at sunrise” or “Bought a red hat in the only store here” or something my friend Gary might write, like “home by 5. tired, had a swim, leftover frittata, glass of wine, in bed by 9.” Any of these would make me much happier than “Having a wonderful time”—although I’d be thrilled to receive any postcard from you, especially if it did not contain requests for money or petition signatures.
Armed with Anne’s advice, I did my best to avoid space-filling twaddle like “all is well here” and “it’s a scorcher in LA!” I’m not saying my postcards will win a Pulitzer, but with Anne’s help, I attempted to offer a breezy little snapshot of my day. I urge you to click the box below and read all of the excellent suggestions for upping your game as a postcard penner.
Oh and if you love receiving postcards, my friend, the very talented and award-winning author/artist, Anne Ylvisaker, offers subscriptions to receive one of her custom-designed postcards every month. Find out more info here.
And if you want to receive a ridiculous photo of me, Jared, and Noodle at holiday time, hit reply to this email, send your mailing address, and I’ll put you on the list. Unlike Tom Cruise, I won’t remove you from said list for being human.
STRAWBERRIES KEEP YOU WITH-IT
I shared this article in the Notes section earlier this week, but I’m putting it here in case you missed it. A new study has concluded that eating strawberries increases cognitive function. This is great news because I eat strawberries every day, especially in summer when they are extra juicy and sweet. What’s interesting about the study, however, is that the participants ingested freeze-dried strawberry powder, equivalent two servings of fresh strawberries a day. I suppose that’s an option for us when strawberries are out of season.
“Following strawberry consumption, cognitive processing speed increased by 5.2%, systolic blood pressure decreased by 3.6% and total antioxidant capacity significantly increased by 10.2%. Waist circumference decreased by 1.1% during both the control and intervention arms of the trial. While consuming the control powder, participants experienced increased serum triglycerides.”
THIS DONUT COULD MAKE YOU SMARTER
For residents of Los Angeles, this just might be the excuse you’ve been waiting for to get over to Donut Man and try their seasonal, famous Strawberry Donut.
As always, I’m here to help. You’re welcome.
Okay, that’s a wrap. Thanks for reading, commenting, and sharing! Wishing you a week full of fun mail and strawberry donuts! xo H2
Aww. Thanks, Stephanie! 🩷So glad you enjoyed it. Tom Cruise could totally be a robot or alien. Please do a fun holiday card with your cute fam and pets! The woman who takes our photo is Danielle from Cat Party Portraits and she’s the best. This is her insta: https://instagram.com/catpartypetportraits?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
I haven't heard the word "deltiology" since my grandfather died in 2014. He was a dedicated collector of old postcards and thus an amateur deltiologist. The things that man could tell you about how antique cards were designed, printed, sent, and exchanged could fill books.
I also want to know just where one obtains strawberry powder, because I have the feeling the folks at Wegmans are gonna look at me like I sprouted six heads if I ask them... 🤣