FEMALE TROUBLES
Quitting Caffeine, Bougie Donuts, Mental Pause, Blue Zones
Hiya Friends!
I played hooky last week and felt guilty about not sending out my newsletter. At the same time, it was kind of liberating to ignore my self-imposed deadline, especially because I’ve suddenly become very over-scheduled. I’m like an overzealous cruise ship passenger trying to cram as many activities as possible into my week.
There’s aerobics dance class on Zoom on Monday, and Bollywood on Tuesday nights, a writing workshop on Wednesdays, Thursday yoga on Zoom, Friday karate lessons (more about that in a future post), and on Saturdays and Sundays, I go to tap dance class. It’s a lot. Too much, really. But all theses activities make me happy and I’m hesitant to give anything up.
I suppose that’s not entirely true. I did stop drinking caffeine last week. If you’re considering saying goodbye to caffeine, here’s my hot take: Bad idea. Don’t do it. Not unless you love headaches, nausea, and exhaustion. Caffeine really owns us, doesn’t it?
BOUGIE DONUTS
On a related note, this past Friday, I popped into a new bougie donut shop to see what they had on offer because I’m donut curious. To my dismay, there was no donut case to peruse—🚩Red Flag #1.
The chatty and tatted young donut slinger explained that all the donuts were made to order (insert: eye roll) and apologetically flipped the screen around to show me the “digital case.” I was even more aghast at the paltry offerings and lack of any recognizable flavors—🚩Red Flag #2. As you can see below, all eight types were super twee and overwrought—🚩Red Flag #3. AND, the donut slinger informed me, they put taro (!!) in the dough. Taro? To that I say, tar-NO! 🚩
The concept of this shop completely confounded and irked me. Not only would I have to wait for a donutista to handcraft my donut, it would likely taste terrible. I should’ve politely exited the establishment immediately, except I couldn’t, due to the fact that the donutista hooked me with his charisma and charm. If I receive good service somewhere, it’s impossible for me to leave empty handed. Begrudgingly, I ordered the Chocolate Crunch Donut even though I was pretty certain it would be an abomination.
“Have you had your caffeine fill for the day?” the donutista asked.
I revealed that I’d recently quit the stuff.
That’s when a bearded man walked in with little fluffy dog in tow, and said, “Why, may I ask, are you off caffeine?”
I decided to resist the urge to lie and outed myself as old. “Well, as a woman of a certain age, I’m told that quitting caffeine might help relieve my night sweats,” I said.
The man with the dog gave me a sympathetic nod and said, “I too am of a certain age and I’ve heard it’s awful.”
“It is!” I agreed.
FEMALE TROUBLES NOBODY CARES ABOUT
The IT we were skirting around, was/is, “The Change,” menopause, or mental pause as I like to call it because it’s a mental-making affliction. Even though an estimated 2 million women a year reach this milestone (ha ha), it’s a hush-hush topic, typically filed under: “Female Troubles Nobody Cares About.” Many of us in The Club suffer from sleepless nights, hot flashes, mood swings, spikes in cholesterol, and more. Meanwhile, experts have no idea WHY hot flashes occur or how to cure them!!! I pulled this quote from the Mayo Clinic website:“It's not clear exactly how hormonal changes cause hot flashes.” And this from Cedar’s Sinai website: “Approximately 75% of menopausal women in the U.S. get hot flashes, but their underlying cause and triggers are still not completely understood, and there is no treatment that works for everyone.” In other words, doctors have cured male baldness, but they can’t for the life of them figure out how to help a sister stay cool? Clearly, they really don’t care and we stoic women have continued to suffer in silence for centuries. Not me anymore. I’m blurting out my frustration and discomfort to anyone who will listen. Perhaps if enough of us pipe up, doctors will try to come up with a cure for this 💩.
At least the donutista tried to help. “Have you heard of these air conditioned mattresses?” he asked.
Bless these two male strangers in a “donut shop” who sympathized with my perspiration predicament. I wanted to hug them both, but I was too sweaty. You’d think that a person who works out as much I do wouldn’t have any sweat left in ye olde sweat glands. Alas, that is not the case. Every night, I awake burning up and have to kick off the sheets to cool down. Two minutes later, I’m freezing and need an extra blanket. It is madness. I know there’s drugs for this—HRT—though, allegedly, the prescription is quite costly even with insurance. As a friend said to me recently, “Yet another grift for women.”
While the donutista prepared my made-to-order taro ring masquerading as a donut thing, we had a funny and informative conversation about the pros and cons of air conditioned mattresses and air conditioned mattress toppers. I’ll admit, the air conditioned mattress topper with a customizable thermostat for each side of the bed sounded very tempting, save for the $1000 price tag.
For now, I’m trying all the “natural remedies,” ergo, cutting back on caffeine, sugar, and alcohol, eating tofu, and exercising more. I’m sad to report that, as of today, f**k-all is working. Though my head does feel a little less foggy sans caffeine.
Okay, I’m sure you’re all dying to know how the donut tasted. As predicted, it was gross. Two thumbs down. The chocolate was bitter, the dough had a strange Play-Doh-esque aftertaste likely from the taro (!!), and its worst offense? It wasn’t even crispy. For the love of all that is holey, people, fried food needs to be crispy or there’s no point in calling it fried. End of story. Period. But boy do they put on the dog with the decorating and the packaging at this place. See below.
BLUE ZONES
If I somehow manage to get through mental pause without expiring from dehydration, my goal is to live to 100. Are any of you watching the four-part docu-series, Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones on Netflix? In case you’re out of the loop, here’s the gist: In 2010, the National Geographic explorer, Dan Buettner wrote a book about his travels to five spots in the world with the highest populations of centenarians, and those areas are called Blue Zones. When that book came out, I told Jared that we had to move to one of those zones, stat, so that our dog, Noodle would live to be 100. We didn’t move, obvs, but I did start feeding Noodle a mediterranean diet like they eat in Ikaria, Greece and he’s 17 now. That’s about 119 in dog years. Looks like it worked.
Anyhoo, that book is now a series on Netflix, where an older and tanner Buettner is filmed visiting these magical pockets of the world and talking to the older inhabitants about how they’ve managed to keep on trucking well into their 90s and 100s. I enjoy this show, natch, and genetically, I think my odds of becoming a centenarian are pretty good.
On both sides of my family, we had relatives who smoked, drank heavily, and ate rich foods, and still lived well into their 80s and 90s without following any Blue Zone best practices. Chances are, I’ve got decent genes, but as a vegetarian who lives on a hillside, I’ve also inadvertently adopted some of the “life-enhancing habits” found in Blue Zones. Buettner shared seven of the habits that lead to a longer life in a recent interview on NPR.
I’ll summarize a few here:
1. Get Moving
People in Blue Zones live on hillsides and hike up and down steep streets all day. That keeps them fit even if they aren’t trying to be fit. They also dig around in their gardens and keep moving throughout the day. I don’t hike up and down our hill every day, but I do it a few times a week. On the other days, well, you know, I’m dancing.
2. Eat A Mostly Plant-Based Diet
Blue Zoners eat 1/10th of the amount of meat consumed here in the U.S. They tend to eat a diet rich in whole grains, greens, tubers, and beans. Buettner says that a cup of beans a day will add four years to your life. This is great news because I love me some garbanzo beans and will eat them by the handfuls.
3. Swap An Afternoon Coffee For A Nap
For Blue Zoners living in warmer regions, they do a lot of their socializing late at night when it’s cooler and nap in the afternoon to recharge. I’ve definitely been enjoying some afternoon naps ever since I cut out the caffeine and it’s been pretty delicious. Click here to listen to the story or read the transcript, which lists all 7 tips.
Okay. That’s a wrap for this week. I didn’t nap today and I’m tired. If you liked any of the musings here, hit the ❤️ button or leave a comment. I always love hearing from you.
Hilary, this quitting caffeine thing is putting my in a doozy. It is my one fear - how I would operate without it. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, I live a very healthy lifestyle but my one is caffeine! How are you doing now? I know you wrote this a few weeks ago so I'd like to know if all is better and what life is like without it! Has it helped with your "certain age" things?!
Cannot believe you have ditched caffeine. So brave! I hope it helps bring down the internal thermostat.