EAT THE CAKE!
How To Make The Most of Life By Thinking About Death
Hiya Friends and New Subscribers!
I’m so chuffed you’re here. For the record, I try to keep the tone pretty upbeat at In With The Old. And while today’s post does contain some somber notes, I hope it encourages everyone to embrace joy.
WARNING FOR SQUEAMISH READERS:
The following anecdote includes some grisly details. Feel free to skip over this and go straight to the section titled “EAT THE CAKE.”
As some of you know, I installed a critter cam in my yard several months ago and it’s been an endless source of delight. Each morning, I scroll through the footage to ogle the adorable critters sipping from the watering hole and snacking on bird seed.
Frequent visitors include skunks, opossums, bunnies, squirrels, birds, and several neighborhood cats. I’ll admit, the cats made me nervous. The way they skulked about or sat perfectly still, ready to pounce on their prey, filled me with dread. I mostly fretted one would nab a bird.
I posted videos of the cats on NextDoor hoping to alert my neighbors that their pet was camping out in my yard. Someone responded that the cat in the clip below is named, Nyla, and “she’s a great hunter.” 🙀
As far as I can tell, the birds have managed to outwit the cats. Sadly, another critter was not so lucky. A few days ago, I went outside in the morning to refresh the bird bath water and check the camera. As I grabbed the hose, I noticed flies buzzing around the patio table—never a good sign. Closer inspection revealed a bloody and horrific murder scene.
SECOND WARNING: GRISLY DETAILS BELOW!
It took me a minute to ID the victim. You see, this Jane* Doe rodent had been beheaded, her insides ripped out, a foot torn off, and her FACE removed like a Halloween mask. To be clear, those body parts were still in the general vicinity, just detached and cast around the corpse as if a madman had hastily performed an autopsy. If this description is giving you THE SHIVERS, imagine seeing it IRL. (*I was able to determine that the Jane Doe was a female rat due to details I’ve chosen to suppress so as to prevent you from experiencing the nightmares that now haunt me.)
I ran inside and described the horrific details to Jared. He gallantly offered to clean up the mess . . . “later.” The thing is, when there’s a cadaver festering in your yard, it sort of casts a pall over your day. I decided to take matters into my own gloved hands, and, with the help of a shovel, placed the rat bits in a bag while simultaneously shuddering and expressing deep sympathy for the victim. I then called the city and arranged for the dead animal removal crew to pick it up.
THE MAIN SUSPECT
Not to point fingers, but all evidence suggests that this was the handiwork of a violent killer, ergo, a cat. Other neighborhood critters do kill, like skunks and coyotes, but they’re less likely to leave the body behind, whereas a domesticated cat, with access to bottomless bowls of Friskies, will kill for sport and not for food.
Now, I’m not condemning cats. I know they can’t help themselves. They’ve got a killer’s instinct. And sure, nobody wants a rat infestation. One could argue that this cat (possibly Nyla, though she’s innocent until proven guilty) did me a favor, and saved me a fortune in exterminator bills. But I’ll tell you what. This trail camera has opened my eyes to the wonder, beauty, and resourcefulness that all critters possess. Yes, even rats. And cats for that matter. I love them all.
THE FRAGILITY OF LIFE
In the BCC TIMES (Before Critter Cam Times), it never occurred to me how much these critters had in common. They all sip water from the same trough. Most of them enjoy snacking on the same types of seeds. They are all extremely parched. And, except for the cats, these wild critters don’t have long to live. Did you know that opossums and cottontail rabbits only live 1-2 years in the wild? Most bunnies won’t survive past 11 months. For skunks, it’s about 4-years. Squirrels—5-6 years. Knowing what I know now, I wish my backyard visitors could coexist in peace and enjoy their short lives free from danger. Alas, our world proves time and time again that some creatures will never get along. Natural selection, survival of the fittest, and conflicting beliefs always thwart unity. I suppose all I can do to help them along is keep the water fresh, refill the bird feeders, and sprinkle seeds on the path. The rest is up to the critters.
EAT THE CAKE!
The other day, I was scrolling through Substack Notes and came across an interview with Alua Arthur, the preeminent death doula —"an end-of-life care worker who helps people tie up their affairs and feel more at ease as they face the inevitable”1—and the author of the new book, Briefly, Perfectly, Human: Making An Authentic Life By Getting Real About the End. Soon after, I found Arthur’s beautiful and moving Ted Talk, titled “Why Thinking About Death Helps You Live A Better Life.” In it, she shares many uplifting insights she’s learned from her work and I felt compelled to post a few here.
#1: EAT THE CAKE
Eat the cake, order the dessert, eat the french fries, eat the brownies. Eat everything you want to, just eat it, because you're going to die. One day, you won't be able to anymore.
#2: WORTHINESS IS OUR BIRTHRIGHT
When we focus on our productivity, we highlight what we have to do to feel worthy, rather than who we get to be, where worthiness is our birthright and we are human.
#3: LEAVING A LEGACY ISN’T OPTIONAL
Leaving a legacy isn't optional. We're doing it every single day. You're doing it with every smile, every word, every kind word, every harsh word, every action, every inaction, every dollar you spend. You're telling the people who are paying attention exactly who you are, and that is what they'll tell of you when you are gone.
Dang! Isn’t that advice liberating? On a subconscious level, we all know these things, and yet, each day, we act like Guy Pearce in Memento and we forget. We forget that our time is limited and that the things that bring us joy should be prioritized. And on that note, I must now take a break and eat the Cakewich (basically a gourmet Ding Dong) that Jared brought home earlier.
SONDER
Okay. I’m back. In case you’re wondering, the Cakewich was delicious.
In Alua Arthur’s interview with Jane Ratcliffe, she mentions that she’s been thinking a lot about the word “sonder.” I immediately Googled the definition and now I too can’t stop thinking about it.
Sonder is the realization that we’re merely one player in this never-ending production called life and the strangers we pass on the street are immersed in their own complex stories, rife with numerous plot twists and characters. While we may understand this in theory, how often do we take the time to contemplate a stranger’s life? Shortly after learning the word, I read a poignant essay by my friend Ray Barnhart where he does just that. Below is an excerpt.
Still, I did not stop thinking about Carlotta Valhalla. For two weeks, every day, someone placed flowers on the sidewalk. They would wilt and die and melt and then be replaced and then the replacements would repeat the cycle. Every time I walked by, I looked up at the roof. One day, there was an elegant crow watching me from the spot where I presumed she stood. I see you, Carlotta, I thought.
I wondered if other people thought of Carlotta as much as I did. I checked her FB to see if anyone left a condolence message. “I am so sorry I didn’t come to LA to see you!Rest in peace, my dear Carlotta.” In reality, I saw nothing but it appeared Carlotta had not been active on FB for five years. A lot has happened to all of us since 2019.
“THE LIFEGIVING BENEFITS OF EMBRACING OUR MORTALITY”
Full disclosure: I hadn’t planned to write about death this week, but I followed the signs and that’s where I landed. First I came across the death doula’s interview, and almost immediately, I saw my friend Ray’s piece posted on Facebook, and then I stumbled across this gorgeous poem by Andrea Gibson, called “The Lifegiving Benefits of Embracing our Mortality.”
Gibson is the Poet Laureate of Colorado and in 2021, she was diagnosed with incurable ovarian cancer. I’d never heard of her before, but after reading this poem, I’m now a super fan.
An excerpt:
I urge you to click the link below to read the whole poem. Then eat some cake or french fries or donuts or whatever food you crave, but never eat for fear of gaining weight. Do the things that make you happy now because as Alua Arthur says, one day you won’t be able to anymore. And if you feel like it, let me know in the comments what you were inspired to do by reading Gibson’s poem.
“HUMOR IN THE FACE OF CATASTROPHE CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE”
I don’t know about you, but rather than doom scroll all day, I gravitate towards books, articles, and tv shows that make me laugh. Laughter gets us through the tough times. Nobody knows that better than the comedian, writer, director, and actor, Albert Brooks—someone who has died several times on screen, and tackled the subject of what happens to us when we die in my favorite movie of all time, Defending Your Life. I watched the movie again recently, and it still makes me guffaw and weep.
The Atlantic recently profiled Brooks in a piece called, “The Godfather of American Comedy” and I’m sharing it here as a gift link so that you can too can laugh and be inspired by his genius.
On film, death comes quickly, and hilariously, for Brooks. In Defending Your Life, which he wrote and directed, his character buys himself a new BMW on his birthday and is hit head-on by a bus almost immediately upon taking it out for a spin. He is, at the time, singing along to the West Side Story soundtrack, belting out Barbra Streisand’s rendition of “Something’s Coming.” In Private Benjamin (1980), the story begins with Brooks’s character marrying a woman played by Goldie Hawn, then dying while in the act of consummation on their wedding night, less than 11 minutes into the film (the consummation itself takes seconds). In a 2021 cameo on Curb Your Enthusiasm, Brooks throws his own funeral, so that he can watch a livestream of his friends eulogizing him while he is still alive.
🤣
If you have never seen Defending Your Life, Private Benjamin, or that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, put them all on your must-watch list, stat.
Okay. That’s a wrap for today. If you enjoyed this post, hit ❤️ button, or leave a comment. I always love hearing from you. And if you know anyone who might like In With the Old, please forward this on.
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2024/apr/15/death-doula-alua-arthur-ancient-profession
Love everything about this post! That rat! Eek! You might have a hawk -- we had some parents and babes in our area last year and the year before and they were very, very fond of ripping the heads off rodents and devouring them from the inside out. Blech. But they've got to eat. A good reason not to use rat poison. As to eating the cake: YES. And living your legacy: YES. You are continue to be an inspiration. Thank you for your words!
I can’t believe you’ve never seen Private Benjamin. It’s brilliant!