WHAT IF I'M MALEVOLENT AMÉLIE?

And why it feels good to complain.

I’m not proud to admit this, but lately, I’ve been airing my grievances to anyone who’ll listen. This is very off-brand for me. I’m usually a glass half-full type of gal and try to appreciate what’s right in my life rather than focus on what’s wrong. But I caught myself the other day, mid-complaint like a needle catching on a record scratch, repeating the same refrain over and over. I even turned to the dog and said, “Noodle, can you believe the crap I have to deal with?” He yawned and went back to sleep. It made me wonder what was up with me and why I’d morphed into Gripe-y Spice. Had something set me off? Well, come to think of it, there was an incident that really chapped my hide.

IGNORE A MESS OR LEND A HAND?
I won’t name names to protect the identity of the aggrieved, but suffice it to say, I visited a family member who has diminished eyesight. During this visit, I noticed crumbs, dirt, and cat litter on the floor that my host couldn’t see. Let me start by stating: I’m no clean freak. My desk is cluttered with papers and bric-a-brac and there’s always dog hair on the floor no matter how many times I vacuum because Noodle is Sheddy Krueger. But I digress. The point I’m making is, the floor crud didn’t upset me. It was the fact that my host couldn’t see the dirt that caused me distress. That’s because my MO is to solve problems. And when I say “problems,” that typically refers to other people’s trials and tribulations. It’s borderline impossible for me not to offer assistance to someone in need—one might even call it a compulsion to be helpful.

I figured my host needed a hand so I proceeded to vacuum and scrub the floors. I was certain that I’d done this person a solid. Only later did I find out (through a source that shall remain nameless) that, on the contrary, this person found my actions rude and presumptuous and said, “How would she (me) like it if I came over and cleaned her floors?” Seriously? I would LOVE it if someone cleaned my floors or, at the very least, vacuumed up some dog hair around here (although maybe not this relative, on account of the fact that cleaning is challenging when you can’t see). But one time, my brother stayed with me and reorganized my dish cupboard. It was the greatest gift ever and he is welcome any time to declutter and tidy up this place whenever the mood strikes him.

MALEVOLENT AMÉLIE
I understand now, in retrospect, that my relative was embarrassed by the dirty floor. It was never my intention to make this person feel badly. In fact, I assumed cleaning the floor would have the opposite effect. Alas, discovering my actions had been negatively interpreted really messed with my head. I’ve always considered myself a well-intentioned person, but what if I’ve been forcing my good deeds on unwilling recipients like some kind of malevolent Amélie? I couldn’t shake off the sting of this experience and started taking inventory of all the nice things I’d ever done for this person and others, wondering if I’d misstepped somehow. I ended up calling this person to apologize and explain my actions because there’s no point in harboring resentments, especially with people you can’t avoid like relatives and neighbors. She (okay, it was a woman) apologized for bad mouthing me. I suppose I could’ve shared this story with friends and admitted that really, my feelings were hurt, but I opted for righteous indignation and lots of grumbling, which, it turns out, is a pretty common reaction.

VENTING IS HEALTHY
According to an article in Psychology Today, venting makes us feel better. The writer supports the idea that bottling up our emotions is bad for our mental and physical health. To verbalize our discontent to a willing listener often lightens our burden. I certainly welcomed the sympathy and commiseration offered by friends and family after I talked their ears off about being under-appreciated. And my relative likely felt better telling her confidantes that I barged in and cleaned her floors and, really, how dare I? But is it fair to dump our troubles on someone else? The experts say, “yes” and “no.” On the one hand, complaining can be a bonding exercise. There’s even a cliché to prove it—“misery loves company.” Sometimes just saying how you feel aloud makes one realize it’s hardly a big deal or what we’re dealing with are #FirstWorldProblems. An article in the New York Times claims that complaining is actually pretty normal and “healthy” because “life’s not perfect.” Getting advice or commiseration from friends sometimes helps us reframe an incident in our mind. It’s when we refuse to let stuff go that we get into trouble.

COMPLAINING IS GOOD MATERIAL
Both articles caution that nobody likes a Debbie Downer and too much complaining can alienate loved ones. After days of lamenting about several perceived injustices, I got pretty sick of myself and thought, man, give it a rest, Hilary. Since then, I’ve been trying hard to stop the gripes from slipping out of my mouth. It’s a challenge because complaining about dumb stuff can be funny and entertaining. Just look at how many comedians have made a career out of complaining, like Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, and the OG comic legend, Shelley Berman (who I wrote an essay about that was featured in the Feb issue of LA Magazine. *Shameless plug alert.)

TALK IT OUT OR WRITE IT DOWN
Both of the aforementioned articles state that ceasing to complain isn’t easy and possibly bad for you. Instead, the experts suggest that we talk about what bothered us and look for solutions to avoid a repeat incident. I guess that’s what I was attempting to do by calling up my relative to discuss the situation. It certainly cleared the air for the time being. If confrontation isn’t your bag, the pros say to jot down annoyances in a journal. I do this every morning, and it’s helpful, but nothing beats groaning and kvetching to friends, am I right? 😂 Honestly, I expected mental health experts to condemn complaining as a toxic exercise that makes life a drag. It’s quite heartening to know that a little complaining here and there can be helpful. I guess the trick is to just keep it in check and not go full Charlie Brown 24/7.

A RECOMMENDATION
Fellow Substacker and excellent writer, Stephanie Jucar Cooley has a great newsletter you should follow called Unpacking. Noodle, Jared, and I were honored to make tiny cameos in the latest issue about loneliness, which also includes some helpful lessons we can learn from our pets.

Thanks as always for reading, commenting, and even complaining if you feel like it. After all, it’s good for us!