HEAVY IS THE HEAD
Dental Drama, Coffee Strong, Support Print Media, Miss Marple is Living the Dream
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Hiya Friends,
How are your teeth holding up in these stressful times? Do you grind your molars to dust at night and wake up with agonizing jaw pain? If so, you have my deepest sympathy. For I am not just a member, I’m the President of the (Receding) Gum Club. I’ve held this dubious honor since I was in my twenties. Back then, a periodontist named Dr. Grimm (no lie, that was her real name), looked in my mouth and said, “You have a lot of gum recession for someone so young. It’s from clenching your jaw.” What, pray tell, could have caused this 20-year-old version of me to gnash my teeth so severely? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it was the death of many loved ones from AIDS-related illnesses, the hole in the ozone layer, the non-existent job market, or some unexplored childhood trauma. Hard to tell.
The aptly named Dr. Grimm performed oral surgery on my gums to prevent my teeth from escaping the eroding tissue like caravans fleeing a hurricane’s path. Suffice it to say, I still have all my teeth, and, though my recession persists, my dentist tells me my gums are very healthy. That’s a bit like celebrating the wisps of hair still clinging to a balding scalp, but I’ll take it.
On a recent visit to my dental hygienist—a bird-like woman in her mid-70s with a pixie hairdo, aka, “The Most Tactless Woman In The World,” she said, “You’re lucky your lip covers your gum line when you smile so nobody can see all your recession.” I’m pretty sure if you look up backhanded compliment in the dictionary, the quote above is the official definition.
Following my teeth cleaning and gum-shaming session, the dentist came over to chat. My dentist is a gorgeous woman with flawless olive skin, a glossy chestnut mane, and perfectly arched eyebrows that shot up in dismay as she zeroed in on my x-rays. “Do you see this?” she pointed at a tooth on the film. “There’s a big cavity under this filling.” I squinted at the image, and honestly, nothing looked sus to me, but I didn’t attend dental school so I had to take her word for it.
Dr. Cover Model flashed me a grave look and said, “You’re going to need a crown and possibly a root canal.”
GAH!! OOOOHHHHH to the NOOOOOOOOO. NOT. A. ROOT. CANAL!! Okay. I’ll admit, I don’t know what a root canal entails. I prefer to remain blissfully ignorant about procedures that I never want to have. This avoidance technique has served me well for over half a century. But, if forced to imagine a root canal, I’m dead certain it’s the torture scene from Marathon Man. “It is not safe!”
Surely there’d been some kind of mix up with my x-rays. A smudge on the film perhaps? And what about all those fluoride treatments I endured as a kid, sitting for hours in a dental chair with cylinders of fluoride-soaked cotton stuffed in my cheeks? Didn’t that protect my chompers against future root canals? Apparently not.
Meanwhile, as a woman of the people, I have never wanted nor needed a crown. This one won’t even be festooned with rubies and yet it will cost almost as much as one befitting a royal.
If you’ve never had a crown (in your mouth), I applaud your good oral hygiene. Up until last week, I was just like you. I had no idea it was a two-appointment operation. My dentist’s office is about 39 minutes from my house with no traffic, but there is always gridlock in Los Angeles. Dear readers, my agita was at Defcon 1.
I returned on the appointed day and time for Dr. Cover Model to turn my mouth into a mini construction site. First, she did the equivalent of violently laying down tarps by jabbing me with needles full of novocaine until my lip, mouth, cheek, and tongue felt about the size of an orange. Then she set to work on the demo, drilling and jack hammering away at my enamel, dentin, and cementum. The air grew thick with tooth dust and smelled like a burning building.
Eventually, Dr. CM peered into my mouth and informed me that much to her surprise, I wouldn’t need a root canal. “Yay!” I said and drooled a little on my bib.
“But you’re not out of the woods yet,” she warned
@#$%YUI#$%^&* WHAT NOW?
While Dr. Cover Model got to work applying a flimsy plug in the tooth that would one day wear a crown, she explained it would take fourteen days to make this crown. I asked if it was being hand crafted by artisans in a remote village on the other side of the world. She was not amused. In the meantime, she said, “You can’t use an electric toothbrush or a Waterpik™ on the temporary. You can’t floss it. You can’t use a gum stimulater. You can’t chew anything hard or sticky. You can chew soft food, just to test it out, but be very careful because if anything gets in there, it can get infected and YOU WILL NEED A ROOT CANAL. If you feel a little sensitivity to hot or cold, that’s normal. It’ll be sore after the novocaine wears off. Just take an Advil. Occasional soreness that goes away is okay. But if you have throbbing pain, that’s bad, you call me immediately.”
Me:
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!
As you’ve probably gathered, I’ve been treating this tooth with the lightest of touches as if it were a delicate baby bird. So far, everything seems status quo, I think, but I still have 9 days to go. Pray for me.
COFFEE STRONG
“Coffee is eeffoc spelled backwards as in ‘I don’t give eeffoc about anything until I’ve had my coffee.’” - Spotted on a sign at a cafe in Christchurch, New Zealand in 2020.
If you drink 4 to 6 cups of a coffee a day, congratulations! You’re probably a lot less frail than the rest of us. According to a study in the European Journal of Nutrition, folks in Amsterdam, age 55+ who consumed copious amounts of coffee for seven years are hardier than their peers. Researchers credit the antioxidants in coffee for helping to reduce inflammation, sarcopenia (muscle loss), and muscle damage. “Coffee may also help to improve regulating insulin sensitivity and glucose uptake in older people.” Here’s what I’m wondering: Is coffee ice cream as effective? I will try it and report back in seven years. Stay tuned.
READ!
THEY’RE 15. WAIT UNTIL YOU READ THEIR NEWSPAPER
A group of high schoolers in Long Island decided to print their own newspapers because “When you’re on your phone, it gets boring after a while.” Ain’t that the truth?? These kids have even managed to turn a profit through ad sales. What gumption! Perhaps, as Whitney foretold, the children really are our future and can help preserve the beauty of print. We definitely need them, especially with the news that McClatchy Media is shuttering several of its weekly print publications including In Touch, Life & Style and Closer Weekly. The publisher blamed declining readership, a rise in AI, and TikTok, which I suppose comes as no surprise, but still, it’s sad that we’ve all grown so dependent on our screens. I was incredibly lucky to write a few articles for Closer Weekly—a publication that featured stars from classic movies and tv shows. I’m sending heaps of gratitude and wishes for a soft landing to Carol, my class-act editor who let me geek out about Myrna Loy, Bettie Page, Buddy Hackett, and Don Rickles.
How about we all make a pact to buy more magazines and support print media? Who’s with me? *deafening silence*
COMFORT VIEWING
MISS MARPLE ON BRITBOX
Come for the mysteries, but stay for the guest appearances of wonderful actors like Joanna Lumley, Benedict Cumberbatch, Joan Collins, Julian Sands, Brian Cox, Ruth Wilson, Richard E. Grant, Dan Stevens, Anne Reid, Rupert Graves, Penelope Wilton and more. There are six seasons of this show on BritBox with two different actresses playing Jane Marple; Geraldine McEwan and Julia McKenzie. Both are outstanding performers and bring their own personal flair to the role.
I know Agatha Christie described the character as a “fussy spinster who always expects the worst of everyone,” but as far as I’m concerned, Miss Marple is living the freaking dream. For starters, she’s the ultimate jet setter. In almost every episode, M2 is on a train or hitching a ride to some fancy estate or seaside village to visit a friend. All her expenses are covered either by her well-to-do nephew or her wealthy hosts. Meanwhile, there’s never a dull moment because someone always drops dead and Miss Marple is the only one who can solve the crime. If that’s the life of a spinster, sign me up!
Okay, that’s a wrap for today! Here’s hoping all your dentist appointments are pain-free. Thanks for reading. You’re all stars.
Oh you’re so brave Hilary. I really dislike going to the dentist and hygienist. Thankfully we have a new one as the last one was a little harsh.
I very much hope the artisan crafted crown comes through very soon.
I was the same about coffee during peri menopause but I’ve started drinking it again. Fingers crossed.
I love your drawings and very much miss print media. It’s so due a comeback.
I stopped drinking coffee in 2011 because I was getting acid reflux and whenever I drink coffee, it felt like battery acid in my chest. But I started drinking it again because after much research if you get dark roast beans, they are the less acidic. So I get the dark roast Italian from world market is divine. I have 2 cups a day on most days in my case caffeine is really good for hair growth because sometimes the older you get that thinner your hair gets and my hair is just getting a little bit thicker.